there was pouring rain outside. i had just come home from somewhere, my hair completely drenched and my shoes all wet. as soon as i stepped foot in the door, I dropped all my stuff on the floor and sat down on the carpet. I didn’t even change clothes before I picked up the guitar in the corner and started strumming. the rain hammered against the window. it was me and my guitar, alone in my living room. falling into the night, letting myself zone away completely until i’m in a different space.
you’re falling deep and you don’t know if there’s a way out. the city is swallowing you and the heat and the noise of the night is too much to bear. you feel like you’re drowning. in the eyes of somebody else, in your own thoughts and fears, in a sea of people.
first, panic rises, you start to fight for your life. the water takes your breath away and with every cell in your body you try to gasp for breath, to hold your head above the water. teeth clench, hands desperately try to get a hold of something.
then, after what feels like hours of fighting, there comes a point when your body gives up. every limb softens, every muscle relaxes and everything suddenly feels easier. sinking down, you almost feel peaceful. what was an unbearable brawling, now becomes a soft, pleasant numbness. your body feels warm and suddenly everything is okay. you no longer fight, you let yourself go completely. there is nothing unresolved anymore. no fear, no worries. your head and heart are empty, the constant buzz is gone.
it’ll all be over when the sun begins to rise again. make
it through the night and see another day begin.
giving yourself up after hours of fighting. letting go and sinking helplessly. it's not real acceptance, it's your body realizing that there is no other option. it's the process of understanding that this is it. nobody will come and save you this time.
this is drowning.